Been awhile since I had a good fuck-off rant. My own personal erratically carved-with-blood message in a bottle cast out into the infinite void that is the ever-expanding internet. The catharsis of the act of which is unmatched despite the acceptance of the foreknowledge that likely no one except for maybe Google’s AI and the NSA will ever read it. Oh, and the ~3 or so on average spam bots per day that my WordPress spam blocker plugin would leave me to believe are attempting to comment on my drivel. For that reason alone, however, I continue. For my own sanity at having these oftentimes trivial, inconsequential annoyances stripped from my grey matter to leave me unburdened by them any further. That.. and I should probably post to my blog more than once a fucking year. I usually have so much to say but; similar to the entertainment industry I’m about to rant about as you so cleverly noticed by the title of this post; I too am lazy as fuck.

Just give it a whack


I’m sure if you have more than a few brain cells to rub together (which I feel is more and more of a stretch these days given the current state of affairs of the world, but more on that in another post) you’ve likely noticed the penchant of the entertainment industry toward cringe-worthily portraying technology inaccurately. From fancy bleeps and bloops with highly erratically animated user interfaces as on-screen talent hammer-fucks their fingers across the keyboard with all of the reckless abandon of a ne’er-do-well angry drunk redneck high on LSD and PCP being attacked by hornets in a glassware shop; to head-scratchingly inept “security” measures that really only seem to operate on the whim of what the plot requires; bereft of any actual semblance of logic or reasonable facsimile to reality of how these things ought to work in real life.

For example: in Star Trek Voyager; sometimes those internal force-fields they put up to lock off areas during an intrusion are as impervious to breach as Donald Trump is to the truth. Of course, only if the plot deems it necessary. Other times; Tuvoc need only shoot a nearby console with his phaser to miraculously cause the nearby force field to wither way like an unwatered daisy. I mean honestly; in what situation does a 24th century, warp 9.8 capable starship equipped with bio-neural circuitry and a supercomputer infinitesimally more advanced than our pocket-calculator-by-comparison petaflop data warehouses, does it make sense to let a glorified keyboard terminal’s destruction interact with critical security systems the like of a force field?

It’s like when these fictional corporations spend what would likely be hundreds of thousands of dollars outfitting all of their doors with keypad locks then some asshat waltzes by and just bashes it with a nearby rock causing it magically unlock. Sure.. that might be plausible in real life, though I’m pretty sure most keypad locks are designed not to give up the ghost simply by being cracked open via blunt-force. Usually they’re designed to fail securely. Typically with an electromagnet that has to be engaged to draw open the bolt, therefore making any loss of power (smashing or otherwise) keep the door locked. However, I will concede there are situations where electromagnetic door locks are designed to fail safely (in terms of human life safely), so in case of a fire or otherwise where power might be disrupted in an emergency situation, a door can be opened for purposes of escape. This wouldn’t make sense for a 24th fucking century forcefield, nor would it make sense for a keyboard terminal to have some critical system coupling. If I took my trusty ol’e 10-pounder sledge to an old VT100 serial terminal when prompted for a root password, should that let me suddenly have administrative access to the mainframe it’s connected to? Probably fucking not.

But mah immersionz!!

mah immersions!

Okay, sure, you can get on my case about “Oh but it’s fictional!!”. I would reply “Fuck you.” then proceed to mentally imagine you falling from a great height onto the pavement with all of the gushy plop of your meat sack splashing across it that such a fall might entail.

Just because it’s fictional doesn’t mean it has to insult my intelligence. What’s more interesting to you? An actually believable technological feat of hacker prowess, or “Hey let’s move the plot along by just making any obstacle fall over like so many dominos”. It’s like seeing a dude with a 6-shooter revolver somehow fire 10-15 fucking rounds at the bad guys with nary a reload. It’s complete laziness by the production to let such complete horse shit play out on screen. You’d think they could hire a guy to consult as a walking, talking bullshit alarm with how much money films pile in a dumpster and set ablaze these days. I want to be engaged by a story and relate to it. I want to be titillated by seeing a hint of reality. Accuracy. Attention to detail. The shows/movies that manage to pull this off are lauded with praise. Then there’s this fucking travesty:

crazy hax

Like bad CGI, this nonsense is so pervasive and instantly pulls one (at least if they’re not the MAGA hat wearing sort of person I guess) out of the immersion of a story. It’s the uncanny valley of common sense. The thin line a story walks of being an interesting fictional depiction or being another regurgitated feces Hollywood money-grab.

Help me help you to help us all.

Speaking of guy you can hire. How about me? I know shit. I know shit about a lot of shit. One of those “jack of all trades” sort of assholes who amasses seemingly useless trivia on a broad spectrum of subjects. Additionally equipped with an fine-tuned bullshit-o-meter. Hollywood; you need to not suck at trying to depict technology accurately, and boy are you fucking bad at that.

Why not drop me a line. I’ll work for cheap. Consult on your production and let you know where you’re being accurate or when you’re being the next laughing stock to the discerning eye of your most hardcore moviegoers and/or show-bingers. Do you want to be Mr. Robot? Or do you want to be CSI: Cyber?

Gonna add it to my resume now: Technology Portrayal Consultant for the Entertainment Industry

No, I’m completely fucking serious. Leave a comment on this post and we can hash out the details. Let me do you, me and everyone else who enjoys a dash of realism in their film a solid.